


IKIGAI

by CONJUNES



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angels, Angst, Character Death, Curse Breaking, Curses, Death, Drug Use, Eventual Romance, Immortality, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Religious Conflict, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Slow Build, Slow Burn, VERY slow.. kinda boring ngl, Very angst, also i'm not sure all the members will be there since i'm still writing it, but not really? i mean some mentions of romance but not really anything Happening u know, i'll try to keep it lowkey tho, like a lot of it, mostly because hanbin has a god complex lmao, seriously don't expect many fun moments in this, yes there will be weed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:08:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26941903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CONJUNES/pseuds/CONJUNES
Summary: "A few things no one tells you about being immortal: how unpratical it is. You can't own a house for too long. You need to change your name every three or four decades. Can't really be famous unless you want to forge your death at a "young age". You can't have kids and even if you could, you wouldn't be able to see them grow. Since you travel a lot, no furniture. It's a pain in the ass" - kim hanbinau where hanbin became immortal due to a curse, has a god complex and has to deal with some emotional problems
Relationships: Goo Junhoe/Kim Hanbin | B.I, Jung Chanwoo/Kim Hanbin | B.I, Kim Donghyuk/Kim Hanbin | B.I, Kim Donghyuk/Kim Jiwon | Bobby, Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jinhwan, Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jiwon | Bobby, Kim Hanbin | B.I/Song Yunhyeong
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	IKIGAI

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first work after almost 3 years of no writing at all; i don't have a scheldule or a plan for this, so don't expect frequent updates (i'm warning you now). this is probably going to be a little boring tbh and it's really focused on emotions rather than big events. i have a printerest board @/CONJUNES if you wanna check out some of the aesthetics. hope you have a good reading!!

> “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. _”_
> 
> — **Anaïs Nin**

_“Hanbinie, you have to leave”_

_Hanbin knew that voice. Where was he? The room was completely dark, but he knew someone else was there too. A knot on his throat began to form - do not cry, not right now. You shouldn’t cry, there’s no use to it. It was your own choice, wasn’t it? Did you forget? What about the other you’ve hurt? How selfish could you be? Didn’t you think this through, like you always do? Too many tears, he couldn’t breathe. Hanbin heard a sound similar to someone dragging something. A very tall figure was on top of him. Loud voices in the distance. Was Hanbin seeing this or was he the one experiencing this? He could see himself but he also felt so much pain. The figure started to glow, bright as the sun, but Hanbin only felt cold, the tip of his toes curled in pain. He was laying on the ground, dirt. His chest was hollow - was he dying?_

**_God, I can’t breathe._ **

_He tried closing his eyes but the figure was still there, on top of him. They started talking - it was Hanbin’s voice. “You did this to yourself. Let them know you did it.”_

**_I can’t move._ **

_A woman let out a screech that seemed to pierce through his brain. He felt as if the floor under him started to swallow him to the darkness again. Not again. Hold your breath, Hanbin._

_Count to 7 if you’re feeling empty, he said._

**_One_ **

_Hanbin was in his room now - but which one? Madrid? Seoul? Tokyo? Someone grabbed his wrist and tried to pull him closer. A cold hand. A corpse. He saw the ring._

**_Two_ **

_He saw himself murdering a man with a knife. Warmth. It felt good._

**_Three_ **

_Hanbin met someone. They laughed. Warmth again._

**_Four_ **

_Drowned himself on a frozen lake. Only cold._

**_Five_ **

_The sound of letters being ripped apart. Tears smudged the ink. There were not enough words anyway, and there will never be. How can someone love him, after the harm he did?_

**_Six_ **

_A warm hand on his back. He couldn’t stop crying._

**_Seven_ **

_“Find it in you.”_

_**But how can I search for something that I’ve never felt?** _

Hanbin opened his eyes to find himself in his room, windows foggy due to the cold outside. He felt a single tear falling from his right eye but he wouldn’t allow himself to cry. The loud sound of his heavy breathing followed by the realization that there was another day ahead; his limbs shivered with the early winter arrival, or maybe it was the fear. Nightmares didn’t bother him as much anymore, but the leftover anxiety was always there. He could feel the emptiness where his heart should be- even though it was still there, barely beating. Hanbin moved his hand closer to his chest, telling his heart to calm down. He wanted to say “ _it’s okay, you’re safe_ ”, but he saved his lies for people other than him. “Count to seven if you’re feeling empty”, so he did.

Some days were worse than others. He got used to it, or at least that’s what he tried to think. He had enough time to learn about himself and to know when things got _too bad_ again. As he reached for his phone on the bedside table, Hanbin knew that _this_ nightmare would follow his nights at least to the end of winter. It always did.

05:34 am. The sun would take some time to rise, so he allowed himself to sink into the bed for a few more hours. _What day was it?_ A Friday, maybe. It was hard to keep track of time when every day feels the same, the same routine and undying habits, all alone in that apartment. Hanbin tried to fill his thoughts with mundane worries - _did I buy enough milk? Maybe I should do the laundry today. Should I get a pet? I want to watch that Netflix show._ But pretending that you're living a real-life is tiring, Hanbin said to himself. As the exhaustion of thinking eventually won him over, his eyes felt heavy again, and he let out a heavy sigh. _Another day of immortality is one day closer to mortality._

08:12. 8 more minutes and he wouldn’t be allowed in class - again, but at this point, Hanbin knew this was a silent game of “how much can I piss you off” between him and every teacher he had, and Hanbin **always** won.

Boring.

Without much worry, he took a cigarette from the pack sitting in his coat’s pocket, placing it between his lips, and started searching for his box of matches inside his backpack. Two girls passed in front of him, visibly interested in making their presence known by him, sharing giggles as a form of flirting. Maybe they had one or two classes together, he thought to himself. After fiddling with the contents of his backpack, he grabbed the tiny wooden box and gently shook it, taking one match. Fighting his way against the winter breeze, he managed to light the cigarette and take his first well deserved drag. Smoking was a habit he tried to avoid as much as possible – not that it really makes a difference what unhealthy habits he picks up – but dealing with the smell was burdensome. No one likes smokers, doesn’t matter how cool they look.

He always sat on the same bench: right in front of the biggest oak tree on campus. There was a time where Hanbin tried to fill his life with different routines and unexpected events, but after a while, things started to feel identical one way or another. So, for him, there was some sort of comfort by sitting in the same place every day and watching the small changes around the environment; bird nests slowly being built during spring, which student used the tree as a parking spot for their bikes, sometimes –if he was lucky enough- he would even spot a squirrel running around.

Taking another drag, Hanbin started to feel the numbness that came with the nicotine, his body getting heavier with each puff - lucky him that drugs had effects on immortals, he thought. His eyes were slightly dozing off again, this time fixed on a single branch at the top of the oak tree, where a small bird was resting. A dollar-bird, he noted. As he changed the cigarette from his right hand to the left, Hanbin looked inside his backpack for his camera. 

Photography was something he treasured a lot, even though he ended up getting rid of most pictures he took. He enjoyed compiling them in a small amount and just leaving them somewhere so a stranger could pick them up and wonder who left them there. It was his way of saying “Kim Hanbin was here, even though Kim Hanbin doesn’t really exist anymore”. 

He adjusted the camera on his hand, trying hard to get the blue-ish creature on focus, and right as he clicked-

“Sorry!”

Hanbin took a deep breath as he closed his eyes, using his centuries of age not to lose his patience. Glancing over to the rushing figure slowly disappearing over the distance, all he managed to see was a weird-looking guy with purple hair, running with his bike, clearly late for some class. _I guess normal humans have a hurry_ , he thought. Taking the last drag of his cigarette, he noticed a white speck on his hand, just before it melted. Snow.

People often said that if you made a wish on the first day of snow, it would come true. Hanbin made the same wish over 100 times, yet none of them were heard. He _really_ wanted to die.

**Author's Note:**

> first chapter was small because i really wanted to get rid of it. find me at @/IKONPHOBE on twt and curious cat in case you wanna chat!! hope you enjoyed it :)


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